


young and in love

by Criminals_code, sincerelyschuy (orphan_account)



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Awkward Kiss, Coming Out, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Innocent Fluff, M/M, Pure, Swearing, Theyre gay, anxiety tw, fighting tw, technically underage but they're 17, what if connor didnt die au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-20
Updated: 2017-09-20
Packaged: 2019-01-01 03:23:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12147567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Criminals_code/pseuds/Criminals_code, https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/sincerelyschuy
Summary: young and in love...desc: what if connor murphy was still alive, and what if evan found him in the forest? and then what happens next?ship: convanwarnings: mentions of death, missing persons, suicide, depression, anxiety, lying, swearing, crying, being lostgenre: angst, fluff, eventual smut, (warning on chapter)ON HIATUS!





	1. you needed me to find you, right?

**Author's Note:**

> chapter 1.. because con deserves more love

 

**Chapter 1**

**Evan’s POV**

Fucking  _great._  Somehow I ended up in this forest again, broken arm and all. I guess it’s the only quiet place I have. And I’ve ruined that too, from jumping out of a tree. I’ve ruined everything.

What did I have to live for… Something obviously doesn’t want me dead, because I still can’t feel the mouthful of pills kicking in and all I have to show for from last time is a broken arm. And a lonely heart.

I look up at the trees for a few minutes. The sun burns my eyes, but whatever. Blind people are supposed to be more intelligent in other senses, right? Maybe I could sense how to not fuck everything up? But here I am. Everything is kind of fading away, and it’s all my fault, and I’m stupid. I feel numb, and hot tears are pouring down my face.

“I fucked up,” I sob. “I fucked up so bad… “

**Connor’s POV**

I blink, outlines of trees coming slowly into focus. Wait, tree outlines? I was still in the forest, wasn’t I. Of course I was, somehow that jump from the tree had failed. I try to sit up, key word being tried. Damn, that stung. I try again and get to my feet, wincing. What the hell? I expected broken bones at the most, yet nothing looked broken.

It causes a bit of an ache to walk, but I manage. Where was I even going? I was absolutely lost in this mammoth of a forest, and the withdrawal wasn’t helping at all. Not to mention my lungs were a bit fucked up from that one time I tried drowning. All in all, I had shit luck. No good luck to help me find my way out of here, yet not unlucky enough to actually succeed at dying.

How long had it even been? I really needed some kind of stress relief. The weed was nice, but the pills were better, in my opinion. I only realize I was immersed in my own thoughts when I realized someone was crying. Even if they were crying, maybe they knew the way out of this green hell.

“H-” What. Oh. It’s been a long time since I needed to talk, my throat is dry. I wave, trying to get their attention.

**Evan’s POV**

Wait… A person? Fuck, I can’t be seen like this. Come on.

“H-hello?!” I stutter-yell. “Hi?”

The figure walks toward me a little, still waving.

“He-hello…?” I managed to shout, a little louder this time. My breath is ultra-shaky and my throat and eyes hurt. But I guess it’s too late now, as whoever this is has obviously noticed me. The figure walks up to me. He? It has–wait, that’s a person–they have long hair. It… looks like Connor, but that can’t be right, I mean, he died in this forest, right?

_Right?_

I’m not sure. They don’t speak.

“H-hi… “ I cough out, and wipe my face on the sleeve of my hoodie. “I… I’m Evan.”

**Connor’s POV**

I smile, and then recognize him.

“Yo-” I cough. Damn, I really needed water. I mustered up as much spit as I could and wet my mouth a little.

“I know you.” It comes out creaky, but it gets the point across. I think. “Do you have an- any water?” It was probably best to stick to short sentences, to avoid irritating my throat.

**Evan’s POV**

“Y-you know me?” I questioned nervously, digging through my backpack for my water bottle.

“Sorry, I c-I can’t really uhh… see you very well.”

He–obviously a he now that I’d heard his voice–nodded. I held out my water bottle.

“W-what’s your name?”

**Connor’s POV**

I took the water bottle gratefully, taking sips that are bigger than usual. I needed that more than expected. I take another sip and swish it around, turning to the side to spit. I had spent way too many mornings waking up to the bad taste in my mouth left by sleep. I cough and wipe my mouth.

“I’m Connor, don’t tell me you forgot already?” I raise my brow.

**Evan’s POV**

“What the fuck?”

“Connor Murphy?” No way. “I signed your cast?”

“W-we thought you died?!”

“I wish I did, Evan. Evan Hansen, right?” he says.

“Y-yeah… yeah,” I spit out, my hands shaking. “You are real, right?” I ask as I reach out towards him.

“I think so?” he chuckles. My fingers awkwardly brush his, and I blush even more.  _Not_  because I touched him, of course, no; because, anxiety. That’s it. Yeah.

“If you’re alive, I-uh, confessions will be made, wait, n-yeah…” I shakily blurt.

“What?”

“N-nothing, it’s just that uh, e-everyone thought you were dead, and that caused a lot of commotion, and lo-long story short uh, I kinda sorta faked a friendship with y-you and uhm… A lot of things happened and yeah…” His face looks blank. “Yeah.”

Connor looks at me. My eyes fill up with tears again, _God, I fucked up so bad, I-_

“What the fuck, Evan.”

**Connor’s POV**

Faked a fucking friendship? Why would he even  _do_  that, what would he have to gain from an endeavor that dumb? I stared for a second before needing to say something.

“What the actual fuck, why would you even- I don’t get it, we barely know each other, why fake a friendship with me?” I scowled, shaking my head in a mix of anger and confusion.

“Has anyone even looked for me, I’ve been stuck in this goddamn forest for who knows how long, wouldn’t someone have looked?”

**Evan’s POV**

My face is burning, wow. I can’t even feel the tears falling anymore…

“Well, it-it’s a long story.”

“What the fuck?”

“Th-they sent out a search and rescue team and I guess they found enough evidence of possibly someth-thing else… and they thought you killed yourself…”

“I wanted to.”

“And th-the police found one of my letters to myself, you know, from therapy, a-and they thought it was your suicide note… and that’s how I had to fake a friendship with you… I had to make y-your parents think you mattered, b-because, you… You do matter, Connor…”

“Sure.” Connor’s face is blurry but I can see all the dirt and cuts and scrapes and bruises, and he looks absolutely done. Just… done.

“Y-you do matter, Connor, please… You signed my cast, and you mattered to me, and I’m sorry, I’m so sorry… i…”

“They didn’t try hard enough.” His voice sounds broken and somber.

“I know they didn’t, s-so I was… I was just trying t-to make it up to y-you, because you matter, and you made me feel like I matter, and then it all blew up out of proportion and there was this whole thing… the Connor Project,” I say, in between sobs. Oh God, here it comes.

“The Connor Project?”

“I’m s-sorry, I cared-I care about you…”

“What the hell did you do, Evan?”

**Connor’s POV**

“Listen, ok, whatever, you can have your reasons, but that doesn’t justify that you fucking lied to everyone! You basically made up your own imaginary version of me!” What the hell did he think he was going to accomplish with that?

“I-I’m sorry Connor, I’m so so s-so so so sorry…” he sobs.

“I don’t understand why the fuck you would do that though,” I try to yell but my throat hurts too much. It’s not much use, anyway, as all that really happens is a mild increase in volume and a terrible voice crack. Damn it.

“It all h-happened so fast but I did it… because I cared about you, Connor.”

“Honestly, fuck you, Evan.”

I look into his brown eyes and they look completely broken. Like he had given up, just like I had. I’ve never seen someone so… Emotional? It’s not a bad thing but I feel like shit, because his face and eyes are all red and he can barely breathe and it’s because of me. I’ve never actively regretted anything as much as that.

“I-I’m sorry, Connor…” he chokes. “I…”

Words are failing him, and… Fuck. Here come my tears.

“I’m sorry, Evan, I don’t know.” I’m crying now. “Can I uh, sit next to you?”

He takes a deep, shaky breath and nods. I sit next to him on the log. He passes me his water bottle again.

“Are you okay, Connor?” he says, wiping his tears.

No. I’m fucking not. But you care about me, don’t you. Enough to cry about me. Enough to make sure that I was remembered.

“No.”

**Evan’s POV**

That word physically stings. I knew it was coming, from a fucked-up, depressed, suicidal boy who had been lost in a forest for three weeks; but still.

“No, I’m not okay, Evan.” He looks so helpless. And I know I had something to do with it, accidentally leaving one of my letters at the outskirts of the forest. Stupid search-and-rescue team. My heart feels like it’s wilting, and my eyes well up yet again, my throat burning from holding back a sob.

“I know. And I’m going to make sure you will be,” I say with a sudden burst of confidence.

“Y-fuck, this is hard to say,” Connor laughs nervously, between cries.

“It’s okay. I’m terrible, you’re allowed to be scared of me,” I sniffle.

“Y-you’re not though, Evan. You cared about me… when nobody else did. When I was hopeless, and everyone thought… that I was dead.”

Connor burst into tears, hiding his head in his hands. I lean over and wrap my arm around him. He feels bony, and a little cold, and I feel awful.

“I-you’re just… you care, Evan, and that’s all I need,” he sobs. My heart is about to beat out of my chest.

I let him cry for a few minutes. He doesn’t seem to have much energy left, but he needs to get his feelings out. I can’t imagine what it would have been like to be lost in this huge forest for fucking weeks…

**Connor’s POV**

I think I’ve been crying for… maybe a year? No, ten minutes maximum. But I’m exhausted.

“Connor?” Evan says, concern and compassion shaking his voice. That’s my name. I’m supposed to react to that. I open my mouth to answer, but nothing really comes out. I feel his arm tighten around me. I think he’s noticed how skinny I’ve gotten.

“I’m sorry Evan.” Words are finally falling out of my mouth. It feels odd. Everything seems kind of greyish, and fading, and I think it’s because I haven’t eaten much for the past few weeks, and now I’m somehow leaning in towards him, and I can’t think straight. Pun intended.

**Evan’s POV**

Fuck. His face is really close to mine.  _Really_  close. I think I’m shaking. I open my mouth a little to say something, but his nose brushes mine and my breath hitches and suddenly our lips collide and  _oh my God, I’m kissing a dead boy._

But he’s alive, and he’s kissing me, and he’s alive, Connor is alive, and he’s  _okay, and he smells like the forest, and he’s pretty, and he’s kissing me, and I’m kissing him…_

And just like that, he pulls away, and turns his head away from me. Like nothing mattered, except for me. Nothing matters to me anymore, except for Connor.

“That never happened, Evan. Never bring that up,” he blurts out.

“That was my first kiss,” I say, nervously. My cheeks are probably bright pink.

“Mine too,” Connor nods at me. “Let’s just be friends.” So I smile and nod back.

“Let’s go.”


	2. black sesame and mango

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> young and in love // chapter 2  
> desc: connor and evan go on an ice-cream date. not a date though… yeah.  
> ship: convan  
> warnings: death mention, swearing  
> genre: fluff  
> authors: me, @gravity-light // beta’d by @spaceepigeon  
> find me on tumblr @atmosphcre

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *banging pots and pans together* gay! gay! gay!

 

**Connor’s POV**

“Yikes, everyone is going to go crazy over me being alive, aren’t they.” I facepalm, and consider how to best avoid the overprotective attitude that my parents would likely have for the next month. Chances are that I won’t be able to, but I can always try. I stand there until it becomes awkward, and then look at Evan curiously.

“So, that way?” I point a random direction, hoping I’m correct. I’m probably not, because I have no sense of direction in this forest, but I could always try.

“I think I came from that way?” Evan points to a trail through bushes about a yard off from my guess, and I grin.

“Finally, I cannot wait to get back to a normal life. No offense, but this place tends to get a little shitty after… however long it’s been.” I take the lead, and nearly start running, I am that ready to be out of here. After about two minutes of jogging, I burst out into a yellow field of grass. Finally, a clear, unobstructed sky.

I glance back at Evan and grin. “So, once we get back to civilization, wanna get ice cream?”

**Evan’s POV**

_Oh. He’s asking me a question. Uhhh…_

“Sure, I mean-yeah, totally, of course, y-yes sure, yeah!” Wow, Evan, great job on that one, you nervous idiot.

“Yeah. Alright, it’s a plan!” Connor responds giddily. I smile back at him, and we keep walking. Not much is said after that; Connor’s probably processing being back to regular life. He looks incredibly pale, I hope he’s okay.

“When the fuck will we get back to civilization, Evan?” Connor says, mildly confused. I lead him down a little grassy path and we’re back home, or at least in the city, finally. It’s not so much of a small town that everyone would instantly notice that, “oh my God, it’s that dead kid,” but I’m still nervous. I feel a cold hand grab mine tightly. It’s Connor’s. He looks scared.

“Evan?”

“Yeah?”

“What are people going to say? I mean, wasn’t I declared dead?” He sounds mildly terrified, and for good reason.

“I don’t know.”

**Connor’s POV**

I blow out a breath. It’s been more than two weeks since I had agreed to get ice cream with Evan sometime, and all the necessary reunions had happened. Finally the town has settled down and I feel less like a celebrity in the outside world. We had agreed on today for the ice cream, and I’m currently trying not to dress in clothes stinking of my usual drug-involved habits. It’s not that big of a thing, but it feels important. Like I should look good… Or something.  

After several minutes and a few discarded pants, I am in something that doesn’t smell like weed. I head downstairs, ready for a fun sweet treat.

“I’m headed out now, I’m going to be fine, don’t worry, bye!” I yell as fast as

I can and stepped out the door, closing it behind me.

I was planning on meeting Evan at Ortega’s for some ice cream and then a quick walk as we talked. I arrive at the place in record time, checking the clock on the wall as I walk in. The agreed-upon time had been three pm, and it’s now two fifty-six. I look around, checking in case I was the second one to arrive.

I’m not. A four minute wait, then. Three minutes, now, because it was now two fifty seven. I eyed the menu of ice cream flavors. They had so many flavours, but I chose my favourite coloured one: black sesame. They also served water and only water, but that’s to be expected. Nothing but water goes with ice cream.

The bell above the door jingles and I turned to see Evan. I wave, and turn back to the counter to ask for some ice cream. After a mini-interrogation about whether I want one or two scoops and cup or cone, it’s ready, and I grab a spoon while Evan orders his. I sit down at a booth in the corner and wait for him.  _Am–am I staring at him?_

**Evan’s POV**

I order two scoops, one mango and one strawberry, and sit down next to Connor. He chose a very secluded booth, which is nice for my social anxiety.

“Hey,” he says as I get comfortable and take a bite of my ice cream. The mango is really good, wow.

“Hi.” Was that too short? Do I seem disinterested? Fuck, why am I so nervous around him…

_It’s because we kissed, isn’t it._

“So how’s life been outside of school, you know, because I haven’t really seen you aside from school, apart from FaceTime and stuff, you know, uhh,” I blurt. Wow Evan, way to seem chill. Great. Fucking. Job. Just calm down and talk to the guy. He’s just your friend.

_Just my friend._

“Good, I mean, everyone kind of treats me like a celebrity, like royalty, ‘cause you know, the whole death thing.”

“Yeah, y-yeah! I understand. Uh, wh… What’s your favourite colour?” Fuck. Why am I blushing? Why am I so stupid?

Connor takes a bite of his black ice cream and points to it. Black. Of course. I smile awkwardly, and he laughs a little. The way his eyes crinkle when he laughs is so cute–no, fuck, why are you thinking that, Evan? Stop it, he’s your friend, and-

“How have you been?” he asks me. How have I been? The past few weeks have been a blur really, as always.

“Good I guess.” I say. Quick and simple. “I mean, good as in like, regular, normal, nonplussed, I uh, I really enjoyed talking to you for the past few weeks, I mean…”

“Good.” Connor doesn’t talk a lot. I eat a few more spoonfuls of ice cream, and smile at him.

“You wanna try?” Connor inquires, smiling back at me and holding out a second spoon, full of black ice cream. I’ve only ever seen him smile at me, now that I think about it…

“What is it? It looks scary. I’m not really sure,” I say.

“It’s black sesame. I think it was invented in Japan. It’s really good, actually,” he says, eating the spoonful of ice cream. He scoops up a little more and hands it to me. I eat it.

“Oh, it tastes nice! Kind of sweet, and–yeah, it’s great. You have good taste,” I respond. It’s pretty smooth and nutty, and quite good. “You want to try mine?”

“Sure. Mango, right?” he says, taking a spoon to the yellow scoop in my bowl. He puts the spoon in his mouth, and I wait tentatively for his reaction.

“It tastes like sweet sunshine!” He shrugs and nods. “Like you?” Yep, blushing again, aren’t I. My cheeks feel like the surface of the sun.

“Connor, I’m not a mango.” Wow, am I a first grader? That’s some top-notch conversation there. Good fucking job.

**Connor’s POV**

I take a little spoonful of Evan’s strawberry ice cream, even though I know exactly what strawberry ice cream tastes like. He sneaks another spoonful of my black sesame, which doesn’t taste that magical, it’s pretty good, but hey, it fits my aesthetic, right?

“You’re a human person, Evan,” I respond, giggling, at his ( _cute_ ) childish responses to things.

…I think he’s the only person I’ve genuinely smiled at for a long time.

Why is Evan so cute? I mean, come on, look at him, with his  _puppy-dog hazel eyes, and his adorable little soft cheeks_ , and–fuck, Connor, calm down.

“I know,” he chuckles.  _All cute and stuff._  Damn it, Evan Hansen. You’re my friend. “But what if I’m actually an alien… oooooooooh…” he whispers, laughing kind of awkwardly like a little kid.

“Sometimes I feel like an alien,” I respond. Is that too deep?  _Fuck_.

“I know what you mean–like you feel like nobody understands you and you just can’t do anything right and everyone looks at you funny and–” I interrupt him mid-ramble.

“Exactly,” I affirm. He knows what I’m thinking.

“So, is this a date?” I half-jokingly say. Evan blushes a little and shakes his head, smiling. Cute.

“Your ice cream is melting.” Evan points to my bowl, of what is now black soup.

“Whatever,” I reply. I drink the melted ice cream. It’s pretty good.

“Was it good?” Evan questions. His eyes are really pretty–shut up Connor.

I nod.

“I’ve never met anyone like you before, Evan Hansen.” He blushes, and slurps the last spoonful of his ice cream from his bowl. “I mean it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Criminals_Code: lets play spot the musical reference


	3. for the sake of love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> young and in love // chapter 3  
> desc: evan is over at the murphys’ house for a movie with connor, and zoe and alana. (part 1)  
> warnings: anxiety  
> genre: fluff  
> authors: me, @gravity-light  
> find me on tumblr @atmosphcre

**Evan’s POV**

It’s two hours before I’m going to ride my bike over to Connor’s house, and watch a movie with him. I don’t know what it’s called. Zoe and Alana will be there, and I’m oddly nervous. Not because of Zoe, or Alana, even though I’m fairly sure they hate me. I pick up my ukulele from the mess that is the floor of my room, and strum a few chords. B-flat, F, G-minor, E-flat… What’s that, again?

            _Doesn’t matter, ‘cause it’s enough, to be young, and in love…_

           Some Lana Del Rey song. I start humming and play a few more songs. Mac Demarco, a bunch of sappy love songs that I suddenly relate to… and for what? Who?

I put down my uke and check my phone for texts from Connor. He’s basically all I think about these days… That doesn’t mean anything though, right? Oh, I should shower soon.

**Connor’s POV**

_Give me a pen, call me, Mr Benzedrine, but don’t let the d–_ and my phone died mid-song. I wouldn’t care, but Evan’s supposed to tell me when he leaves his house so I’ll know when I have to be ready for him. I don’t know why he’s always on my mind, but it’s more prominent now that Fall Out Boy isn’t blasting through my headphones at a mildly dangerous volume…

           “Connor, what movie do you want to watch?” Zoe yells from the living room.

           “I don’t care!” I shout back. “Whatever you and Alana want, I’m sure Evan will be fine with it!” Now if only my phone wasn’t dead, I could ask Evan.

           “Okay!” I hear Alana yell. Ah, the movie’s not important anyway, after all, Evan and I can always go out or just watch Netflix in my room.

            _Alone. With Evan. You can close the blinds, lock the door-_ literally, what the fuck, Connor. Calm down. You can watch The Office with him, like buddies do. Friends.

            **Evan’s POV**

           I know the hot water at home only lasts about 15 minutes, so I have to rush. …And I’m out of soap, so I guess I’ll just casually use my mum’s mango shower gel.

            _Mango. Like the ice cream you had with Connor. Cute._ Oh God, why does everything lead back to him…. Whatever. I should really get to washing myself instead of wasting hot water and slowly cooking in it like human pasta. I pour some into my hand, and it smells exactly like mangoes and vanilla.

            _Maybe Connor will like it…._ Where are these coming from, shut up Evan. I hate myself sometimes.  _Maybe I should tell him today…_  No, I’d lose my only friend. Because I can’t think straight–ha. Ha ha ha.

            _Oh my God. I’m gay._

           I think I definitely disassociated on the walk to Connor’s because I can’t remember shit. Damn my brain.

           “Hey, Evan!” he says, with that adorable smile where he crinkles his eyes and-

           “Oh, h-hi Connor!” I blurt back. My face is burning hot, and I’m probably blushing bright pink.

           “So I let Zoe and Alana choose the movie, so if we don’t like it we can go upstairs and watch Netflix or something in my room, I guess,” he suggests, leaning in for a quick hug.

            _Oh my, he’s soft. Cute._ Bro hug, Evan. Bro hug.

           “You smell like mangoes!” he giggles.

           “Yeah, I used my mom’s shower gel, it’s nice.”

           “Sorry, I probably smell like weed. Everything I own does.” He shrugs.

           “It’s fine. You smell pretty good anyway. Y-yeah. It’s really ni–sorry.”  _Shut up, Evan._

           “Heh, thanks.” I fucked up, huh. Just tell me you hate me.

_Oh my God, I have a crush on him. And he probably hates me._

**Connor’s POV**

Evan awkwardly giggles once in a while, and it makes me wonder; maybe he’s just as nervous around me as I am around him? Or maybe it’s anxiety and stuff. Probably the latter. I should really stop overthinking. I don’t have a crush on him, right?

 _Fuck, I do._ Whoops, time to die. My thoughts are interrupted by one of the girls calling us to come watch the movie already, and it takes me a second to realize I’m not, in fact, in a separate world where I can just stand still. I grin and turn to walk towards the living room.

“Have you guys finished setting it up?” It takes a moment, but I get an affirmative from Zoe. I glance at the TV and do a double take. This has to be an ironic choice. It  _has to be._  Why else would would they pick Brokeback Mountain?

I gape at the title for a minute, heart sinking, before laughing.

“Are you  _serious_?” I gasp, grinning. “This? Really?”

**Evan’s POV**

“Wait… Brokeback Mountain? Is that the one with the gay cowboys?” I ask Zoe, while Alana laughs.

“Yep!” Zoe says, cheerfully. I shake my head, as does Connor. He looks at me and shrugs.  _Cute._ Well, look away now, Evan? Right. Yeah.

Connor and I sit down on the end of the couch, and Alana inches toward Zoe a little. Zoe stands up.

“Anyone want snacks?” Alana, Connor, and I all shout yes. Obviously. Zoe walks to the kitchen and comes back with a family-size bag of sea salt and vinegar chips, and Alana applauds.

“Good choice,” Connor says. I nod, trying to seem like I am present, in the moment, when really I’m lost in thought. Connor hands me a chip, and I take a few seconds to register that there is a hand, with my favourite flavour of chip, in front of my face.

“Oh. Sorry, thanks,” I blurt out, before taking the chip and eating it. Crispy.

**Connor’s POV**

           We sit there, me and Evan–er, Evan and I, for about half an hour, eating chips and barely paying attention to the movie. Zoe and Alana’s legs are intertwined, and  _God I wish that were me and Evan–_ no. Calm down. 

I’m kind of zoned out when Evan taps me on the shoulder. He taps again. I turn to face him, and he looks a little scared.

“What’s wrong?” I ask him.

“Panicking,” he nervously whispers.

“You want to go upstairs?” He nods, and follows me to my room. We sit down on the floor by my bed and Evan sniffs a little. I can see he’s clearly shaken, and my heartbeat speeds up. Can’t panic now, can’t panic now,  _can’t panic now._

“What’s wrong?” I ask him, shakily. I would usually only get really anxious when people would bully me but I’m worried about him. He looks up at me through teary eyes.

“Sometimes I just… get panic attacks–I mean, you understand, when it comes up out of practically nowhere,” he nervously mumbles. “But, I mean, the movie kind of–ok, never mind, I’m okay… I’m okay.”

Evan takes a few deep breaths and I reach over to hug him. He inches closer to me and I remember a thing about people on the autism spectrum, that if you hug them and put pressure on their chest it helps them calm down, so I hug him really tight and he sort of melts into me. He smells like mangoes, and something else that I can’t place but it’s so comforting.  _Evan._

We stay like that for a while, maybe  _too_  long for a platonic hug–but that’s okay. I feel his heartbeat slowly settling, and his breathing regulating.

“Th… Thank you,” Evan mumbles into my shoulder.

“I can let go now?” I respond. He shakes his head, and it makes me wonder if maybe, maybe… maybe he’s enjoying it just as much as me. I close my eyes and rest my head on his shoulder like he’s doing for me and he doesn’t so much as flinch like he usually would, when someone touches him.

_What is it about you, Evan Hansen…_

**Evan’s POV**

I don’t know how long we’ve been hugging for, but it’s amazing, and I think that maybe, just maybe, he’s enjoying it as much as me. I’m glad he knew how to calm me down, but if it weren’t for that I would still be nervous. He’s just so… calming. He looks kind of dark and mysterious and mean, sure, but it just does something to me, God. And when you get to know him, I guess he really isn’t that bad deep down. Maybe he even loves me back? 

“I can uh, I can let go now,” he mumbles again, this time I feel his warm breath and the vibrations of his voice on my shoulder, through my shirt. I don’t say anything in return. He just hugs me some more and then–he nuzzles my shoulder a little bit, and I feel my cheeks flood with pink warmth. I gasp a little, and I feel him smile.  _Connor._

“Hm… I have something to tell you,” I lazily drawl. He giggles a little bit.

  
“Me too,” he says, in the same, slightly intoxicated voice, and I blush even more, because I think we’re thinking the same thing. My heart is rushing again, and I bet he can feel it. Let him feel it, for the sake of love.  _For the sake of love._


End file.
